A Case for Radical Self Care
In Part I, I wrote about forgiveness, love, and compassion as acts of resistance. In this section, I would like to share an important method for surviving hardships, one that we far too often take for granted or neglect: Self Care.
As 2020 tried to beat me down, I decided to embark on a journey of what I’ve termed radical self care. In order to reclaim my sense of inner well being, I had to turn inward and find my light, strength, and courage. I realized that I had spent most of my adult life taking care of others and neglecting myself. It was time to turn that around.
We are often made to feel like taking care of ourselves is indulgent, so we spend so much time busying ourselves and filling every moment as if being busy is a badge of self worth.
In the midst of private and public turmoil, I chose to leave home for two months to take care of my whole self, body, mind, and spirit. It was one of the best decisions I made in 2020. I emerged from this hiatus from home stronger and with enough strength and time to be of service to my family and community. It was only after some serious self care and looking inward that I was able to forgive, love unconditionally, and find compassion. I found that my productivity increased and I learned to balance work, play, and family while still making time for myself. I also learned to let go of the negative forces around me and let it fuel my resistance rather than deplete my energy.
“Self-care is not a waste of time; self-care makes your use of time more sustainable.” — Jackie Viramontez
Fifty-one years around the sun and I finally realize how very important it is to take time for myself and how to include it into my daily routine.
Spring — Acrylic on Canvas by Ridvan Foxhall
I share with you my self care journey in the hopes that you too may be inspired to find balance through self care. I realized that I had to take a holistic approach and decided to intentionally focus on these four areas.
Physical health — The food I consume and my relationship with my body. Mental Health — The content I consume and the people I surround myself with. Emotional Health — How I choose to process my emotions and who to share it with. Spiritual Health — How I nurture my soul, feed my spirit and my connection to a higher power.
Physical Health
Food: After months of consuming anything and everything in sight, I stopped and decided to change my lifestyle. I did not go on a diet, but rather took inventory of what I was putting into my body and decided to consume what gave me energy and get rid of foods that drain my energy. As a result, my body reset itself and returned to its comfortable weight. I prepared meals on weekends for the entire week, so there were always healthy prepared meals to feed my cravings. I kept healthier snacks around the house for when I needed them.
Exercise: I started walking or hiking daily. I slowly added core strengthening exercises a few times a week, focusing on consistency rather than length, in the form of 10-minute daily yoga first thing in the morning and very gradually adding to it. I placed no pressure on myself and made it as easy and convenient as possible.
Sleep: I changed my sleep cycle and started going to bed early and waking up early. I finally realized how essential sleep is to my overall functioning. I am still not at my optimal sleep time, but working towards it. There is a lot of research on the importance of sleep to overall well being. By starting the day really early, I was able to check off most of the items on this list before my day even began. In the end I bought back time and stopped catching up. I am able to accomplish more in less time and still have time to take breaks throughout the day.
Recreation: I took time to have fun! Not just hiking, I played tennis (during the warmer months), ping pong, and board games. I listened to music daily and danced a lot to West African music. I mention this because music from my homeland is not only fun, but also connects me to my birth place which fills me with joyful memories.
Mental Health
Turn off the Noise: I turned off the noise in a dramatic way by reducing social media consumption and holding off on binge-watching Netflix, and started reading on a daily basis. Books that inspired me, made me laugh, cry, and come alive. I also chose books that educated me about my work, the world, and myself.
Creating and Consuming Art: Art is a ladder for the soul. I resumed creating art myself — writing, drawing, and photography. Taking photos on my early morning walks was gratifying. Art makes me happy and forces me to slow down and be patient. I also consumed art, read poetry, followed and spoke to artists I admire, and made it to a number of exhibits as soon as we were able to.
Sisterhood: Connecting with the women in my life saved me. I sought them out and through our sisterhood, we helped each other weather the storm that was 2020 and we are still holding each other up. This has been extremely beneficial for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
Inspiring People. I sought out and listened to a lot of content by inspirational people. Seek out inspiring people, not people you think are perfect but those who are humble enough to recognize and admit their shortcomings and brave enough to be authentic. I sought those older and wiser than me— we forget to seek the wisdom of our elders — those who have faced life’s challenges with courage, who are able to laugh at themselves, people who understood my pain and shortcomings and loved me anyway.
Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries is so important to self care and a form of self compassion. I said NO to things that didn’t uplift me (including Zoom meetings). I picked carefully and thoughtfully what I wanted to attend, and filled my time with activities I found meaningful, rewarding and fun.
Pier by Ridvan Foxhall
Emotional Health
Feel Your Feelings:
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” — Rumi
As the turmoil in the world and in my personal life increased, I allowed myself the luxury of really feeling my feelings. I sat with the discomfort instead of denying it. Repressing feelings is never a good idea. Having the emotional intelligence to sit with hard emotions, feel them, name them, and then eventually release them is a skill I teach to others. I had to practice what I preach. I was honest with myself and those closest to me, including my children.Journaling: Journaling has always been a form of therapy to me. I journaled daily and poured my heart into the pages. Journaling has become a way to do some powerful self reflection, practice daily accountability, process life and let go of hurt.
Seek Therapy: If all else fails, seek professional help in the form of a good therapist. I sought therapy for the first time in my life and found someone who shared my values and helped me look at my life from a slightly different lens. It was like having another pair of eyes to look at the same problem with, and together as partners we have helped sort through a lot of important life questions. There is no shame in seeking help from a professional. For many, therapy isn’t affordable. If this is the case, try to seek a wise, trusted, and compassionate elder (or friend) who will listen to you without judgement.
Winter Selfie
Spiritual Health
Spiritual Practice: Practicing spirituality pushes me to become a better version of myself. The practice of virtues such as love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and justice are eternal, universal, and life changing. For many, spirituality is experienced through a particular religion. For me, the Baha’i Faith inspires me, so I turned to it for guidance and inspiration and found what I needed to keep my light burning.
Prayers and Meditation: I made time to pray and meditate daily. I read prayers in the morning and when I wasn’t able to pray because I was overwhelmed, I let other people’s prayers — in the form of gospel music — lift me out of it. Prayers and meditation look different for different people. I am not one to sit for long periods of time in silent contemplation, but when I hike in the woods, I feel transported to a spiritual realm. I feel closer to the Divine when in nature. Creating art has also become a form of meditation for me, and service to others is a form of prayer.
Practice Gratitude: Practicing gratitude helps me put things in perspective. There is so much beauty and love in the world and so much to be grateful for. During my morning meditations, I reflect on things I am grateful for and journal it. Practicing gratitude reminds me that the hurt does not erase what is good about my life. Focusing on all that is good lifts me up. It is possible to find joy while we work through pain.
Service: When you feel helpless, help someone else. Service to others always has a way of lifting my spirits. I am fortunate to be running an organization whose mission is to be of service to the community. I poured myself into my work with an attitude of service and posture of learning. Service can be as simple as anticipating the need of a friend or family member and doing it for them without being asked. Search out what the needs are in your community and find ways to get involved.
Zoom doodles by Ridvan Foxhall
“Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you.” — Abdu’l-Baha.
This formula for radical self care allowed me to find myself, reclaim joy and a sense of wellbeing. I was reminded that I am enough. I was able to tell myself: I got this! I can work through problems, be my authentic self, be vulnerable with the right people and block out the naysayers. As my dear sister recently reminded me, “my self concept does not come from what other people think of me.”
Self care is a radical form of resistance. Resistance against the forces that may want to tear us down. When we are strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually, we are better able to weather the winds of despair. Only then, are we are better equipped to serve others which in turn brings happiness into our lives.
Thank you for your time. If you have enjoyed this article, please comment and feel free to share it on your social media feeds. Checkout Part I IEnjoy!
Follow me on Medium @idara-ekpe and on IG @idara.ekpe.com to view my work, or visit www.ridvanfoxhall.com to learn more about my work.