Choosing How to Respond to 2020
In April of 2020, I wrote a blog called ‘Turning 50 during a pandemic.’ It was my attempt at accepting the fact that the plans I had for a fabulous birthday were not meant to be. Perhaps it was my way of preparing for the potential hardship and disappointment. Maybe I sensed the Tsunami that was ahead. But nothing could have prepared me (or any of us) for the life-altering nature of the tests that lay ahead.
Ridvan Foxhall, April 2021 — Photograph by Ocean Morisset
2020 brought with it so much pain and suffering for millions of people worldwide, and it did not spare my family. It wasn’t just the personal pain and loss so many people experienced, but also it revealed to us so much about who we are as individuals, as families, and as a nation. It kicked us out of complacency and forced us to reckon with the festering evil of racism in the United States. For so many of my White friends, the events of last year came as a shock — “I just didn’t realize how bad things were…” or “…this is not who we are..” were statements I heard too often. On the other hand this came as no surprise to so many Black friends — “…this is exactly who we are…” was their response. Personally, the hate that White Supremacy nurtures in individuals came too close to home in the form of almost taking the life of my daughter’s friend due to a racially-motivated assault.
2020 held a mirror in front of all of us and revealed our greatest fears, insecurities and shortcomings. It revealed the cracks and gaping holes, in personal relationships, family dynamics, and in institutions large and small. It challenged us to organize and work towards building stronger and more equitable communities. Many heard the call and stepped into the arena to fight for justice, many went fleeing, while others denied the severity of what was right in front of them and were unwilling to face the pain and the hurt, remaining silent and complicit. All the while the pandemic pressed onward taking so many lives in its wake, devastating families, institutions and a world that had for too long ignored nature’s warnings!
Those who couldn’t handle the stress were crushed under the weight of their trials. Yet, others rose like Phoenix out of the ashes and realized they were stronger than they could have ever imagined.
I will not go into the details of my personal trials as I do not want to invite comparison nor gather sympathy. Rather, I would like to share my reflections and lessons learned from my struggles to come to terms with heart breaking events both personally and publicly, and from observations of loved ones who inspired me and somehow managed to find joy and laughter amidst the pain.
Portal — Photography by Ridvan Foxhall
Last year Arundhati Roy wrote, “Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. This one is no different. It is a portal, a gateway between one world and the next…We can choose to walk through it, dragging the carcasses of our prejudice and hatred, our avarice, our data banks and dead ideas, our dead rivers and smoky skies behind us. Or we can walk through lightly, with little luggage, ready to imagine another world. And ready to fight for it.”
Through the tears and heartbreak, I remembered loved ones who had transitioned from this world. I spent a lot of time at my sisters’ gravesite and began to feel something stir within me. I was reminded of their love, strength, courage, and resilience. Their love and memories lifted me up and walked me through the portal. I felt their presence within me. As prophesied in last year’s article, I left behind self doubt, comparing myself to others and holding myself up against society’s unrealistic standards of success. I found myself reflecting on love, kindness, empathy and compassion. I embraced self love and acceptance, and I reclaimed joy through forgiveness. Finding joy in the midst of heartbreak became an act of resistance; and since I have my mother’s DNA coursing through me, I decided to not just survive, but to thrive!
Viktor E. Frankl, author of ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ once stated, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
My response? I showed up daily and without fail — for myself, my family, my friends and my community.
I led my organization through our roughest year and we came out on the other side stronger than we have ever been with a handful of new but strong supporters poised to lead us through our next stage of growth. Our team grew and our partnerships expanded and deepened. Together, we created safe spaces of learning, creativity, and healing for so many youth and adults to process and grow together. I learned that the only way to lead was with a humble posture of learning, with compassion, and in service to others.
In my personal life, I chose to forgive rather than get even. Not because I received an apology or acknowledgement of the hurt, but because in doing so I set my heart free; only then was I able to let go of the hurt. This is not to say I am completely healed, but the healing is progressing well and the lessons learned are numerous. In the words of Rumi, “That hurt we embrace becomes joy. Call it to your arms where it can change.”
I recognized that we are all hurting in some form and are flawed beings trying to make it through really challenging times. To me, forgiveness is not about assuming a self righteous stance — “you terrible person, I forgive you” — but rather a recognition that we all have shortcomings and breaking points and we ought to give each other, particularly those closest to us, a large margin of error. With time, perhaps, I too will need someone to let my mistakes slide and not rub them in my face. Forgiveness, love, patience, and compassion became my act of resistance and freedom from the hurt. The response I chose allowed me to model to my children a different way of being, a paradigm shift from the norm of getting back and sowing dissension, and thus allowed love to continue to flourish in my family.
This quote written about one of my role models, Bahíyyih Khánum (1846 — July 15, 1932), has long given me food for thought on forgiveness, empathy and overcoming hurt.
“… Something greater than forgiveness she had shown in meeting the cruelties and strictures in her own life. To be hurt and to forgive is saintly but far beyond this is the power to comprehend and not to be hurt. This power she had… “ — Marjorie Morten
This statement calls for radical empathy. Something I pray we can all learn to have for one another.
I watched my children pivot and find new ways to be in this time of social distancing from friends and family. New ways to extract joy and laughter during a year that dashed into a million pieces so many of their dreams and hopes. Their resilience inspired me and filled me with hope and intense pride.
This journey has led me to finally fully internalize the phrase, “I am enough.” Everything I need to make it through this dust-heap of a world and transform crisis to victory has always been within me. In the words of Baha’u’llah, prophet founder of the Baha’i Faith, “O SON OF BEING! With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof.” Flaws and all, we are all perfectly made.
Ridvan Foxhall, April 2021 —Photograph by Ocean Morisset
As I look back at the past year, I can honestly say the tests have helped me reclaim a sense of inner well being and I have emerged physically, emotionally, and spiritually stronger than I was a year ago, and perhaps a little wiser. I am a work in progress and I love who I am becoming. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me through daily self reflection, constant inquiry, and investigation of truth. There is so much I still have to learn about myself and the world. Moving forward, I welcome knowledge and life’s challenges that will push me to greater heights. I will not shrink in the face of tests, or run away from them but will go through it, discomfort, emotions, and all, because on the other side of adversity is triumph.
“Everything negative — pressure, challenges — is all an opportunity for me to rise.” — Kobe Bryant
2021 is proving to be challenging as well. Whatever comes my way, with family, friends, faith in God (and a lot of patience and compassion for the struggles of others), things will work out as they should. I have it within me to find joy under any circumstance.
I leave you to ponder this quote as I have. “My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.” — Maya Angelou.
Thank you for your time. If you have enjoyed this article, please comment and feel free to share it on your social media feeds. Checkout Part II of this series, A Case for Radical Self Care. Enjoy!
Follow me on Medium @idara-ekpe and on IG @idara.ekpe.com to view my work, or visit www.ridvanfoxhall.com to learn more about my work.